her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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