I accidentally had phone sex last night
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
