i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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