And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
