he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
