My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
