I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think I sprained my soul last night
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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