I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize