He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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