Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
