they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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