my room smells like sperm. sweet.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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