Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
