i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
