No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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