I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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