i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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