im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
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