i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
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I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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