yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
