Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
