I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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