Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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