I'm lost and stupid without you.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
