I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
