I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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