just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
