Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
