Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
