dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
