how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
