hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Houston, we have a squirter
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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