you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
