bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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