Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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