my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
