I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
