We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
