whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
