the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
