Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
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I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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