Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The power of my boobs compel you
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
