i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
