the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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