I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize