can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
