Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
