that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I need water and some morals
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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