Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
