It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
