I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
