I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
