Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
