So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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