had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
