Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
