I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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