There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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