South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
