i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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