If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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