I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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