i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
