News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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