she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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