I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
