I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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