just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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